fix you.

as i type, i'm staring at my guitar and listening to the dulcet voice of chris martin so sweetly serenading me from his song 'fix you'. this song, ohhhh this song. i think i'm on the tenth go-round of it, with at least ten more to go - a ballad that brings my soul to levels of familiarity previously forgotten. this past year has been extremely potent; filled with tremendous ups and flailing downward spirals that i, at times, wasn't sure i could make it out of. and yet, here i am....

words fail me when recollecting past times. times that fill me with unrestricted laughter, times where the butterflies in my stomach tended to fly in v-formation, and even times where i cried so hard i wasn't sure the swelling in my eyes would ever go down. ha. the moments that shaped me, molded me. some were amazing spirit-lifting times and some sucked balls. some made me radiant with a joy unknown to most humans and some left me in a rut that took months to smile after. but they were my battles and my battle wounds. and unfortunately, there were times where the ricochet caught close-by friends that i never intended to come anywhere close to fire range to begin with. and i think, more than anything, knowing others were wounded in my battle is the hardest to swallow. you see, it's okay if i get hurt - i'm aright with that. but when the people i care about the most get swept up in the destruction of it all, those are the memories you tend to be haunted by. and those ghosts pursue with a relentless passion; they don't mess around. ha. those are the sorrys that eat you alive; the ones where you know you don't deserve responses for. but i think somewhere, deeply ingrained in our minds we know, or at least we hope, that people are originally good. and that somewhere down the line we tend to get thrown off balance and it makes us to things that are absolutely retarded and out of character. how great then, to know that grace is sufficient in the end. how great to be able to cling to a hope that cleanses the blood-stained sheets to whole 1000 thread ct. satin white. to know that even if the people you love the most, who you've unmistakably hurt the most, can't clean the slate... that Jesus does. Jesus does. and afterwards - he completely and utterly forgets, as though it never happened. oh to be able to forgive with the type of forgiveness that coincides with forgetfulness. that is power. that is high power. and it is beautiful, and so hard to come by. mainly, because it's so undeserved. i'm at the top of the list of people who don't deserve that kind of forgiveness. and sometimes... it's just too much to bare. the reality of it all...it's just too much. but then i'm reminded that the deed is already done and all i can do is pick myself up, dust off the dirt, and trust that i'm not alone in the battle. that no matter what stupid ass thing i do - God loves me with an uncountable love that no mornoic thing i do could come close to taking away. 

he loves because he is.

he knows no other way. 

and sometimes...the knowledge of all of that is entirely too much for me to bare. and tonight, is most definitely one of those nights. 

may you all feel the warmth and assured embrace that i feel at this very moment. 

goodnight,

kami.