impact.

it seems odd to me that in 10 days i will be gone. all the familiarity i've grown to know in my 23 years will be futile and i'll be reluctantly forced to grasp onto this thing called "new". my heart is very unsure about this idea. sure we all embrace it once it has come and gone and we can look back on the learning experience of it all, but the process of it is one that on some days leaves you aching for the home you grew to know so well.

so as i reminisce, the one thing that is on my mind is if i made an impact. if i made a difference. because as far as i'm aware, the only person who will legitimately miss me is my motha...who...as we all know, has to. ha. i think i COULD have made a difference...and that i whole-heartedly intended to do so, but as i reflect back on my time spent here, i feel as though it was all for not. that not a soul will miss what it was i brought to the table. this makes me sad. (and trust i'm not self-loathing, this is pure frustration on my lack of showing Jesus more than anything) i'm not sad in the idea that i'm not going to be missed, but rather the impact that i could have had wasn't strong enough to leave its mark on the world to walk away changed. that i missed showing everyone i could as much Jesus as i could. 

you see, i am a screw-up. i mess up quite frequently. this is a character flaw i am very well aware of. i make mistakes that tragically ruin the impact i potentially could have had on people. sometimes with words, sometimes with actions, and sometimes with a mixture of the two. i get too emotionally attached in relationships and don't think clearly throughout them; sometimes damaging it entirely. and the harder i try to avoid these catastrophes, the more i seem to coward into them. 

i want more with my new life, though. i want to show the world a slice of Jesus they haven't EVER seen. ever. i know i'm capable of this type of impact; that Jesus is capable of using me to the greatest extent possible. that is something that goes without question, it is just a matter of me being able to let go of what i used to be, for what i CAN become; of letting the idea of who i WAS dissipate out the window and grasp on victoriously to the transformation of who i will become. 

there's so much i want to accomplish while i'm overseas. so many places to see and PICTURES TO TAKE and people to meet.  but aside from these, all i want to do is tell people about Jesus. to be so devoured in the holy spirit that itis recognizable the minute i enter the room, or coffee shop, or cobble-stoned streets. less than 1% of people believe in Jesus. over 60% are atheists and agnostic, and more czechs believe in UFO's than Jesus. 

so here is to hoping it goes up to 2% by the time we are done with it. 

dueces my people, dueces.

k-webb.